5 Reasons to Fear the Tesla Battery

What you Need to Know about Elon Musk's next Big Announcement

Written by Brian Hicks
Posted April 29, 2015 at 4:06PM

teslabatteryWell, tomorrow's the big day …

Elon Musk is expected to tell the world about Tesla's (NASDAQ: TSLA) new home battery systems that could realistically be one of the biggest game changers in the history of energy.

But before we hear from Musk, here are five warnings (satirical warnings) about this new battery ...

  1. In the pro-free market states of Arizona and Texas, you'll only be able to buy the Tesla battery through government-approved dealerships.
  2. New York Times writer John Broder has tested the battery and claims he had to tow it to a repair shop after it wouldn't supply enough electricity to power the laptop he's using to write his latest book, “The Return of the Typewriter.”
  3. My friend's brother's buddy who plays guitar in a zydeco death metal band with a guy who's a service technician for Comcast, told him that the batteries are really dangerous and that sometimes they just burst into flames.
  4. It's probably going to be nothing more than a glorified golf cart.
  5. If you buy one, you'll be supporting the solar industry, and that would make you a treehugger. And treehuggers are stupid.

Now make sure to forward this article to as many people as possible. We must stop this evil genius from luring us out of the stone age!