Today's Market News: Apple (NASDAQ: AAPL) Teases New Car Design

Today’s Market News: Domino’s Pizza, Goldman Sachs, UnitedHealth Group and Apple, Inc.

Written by Jeff Siegel
Posted October 18, 2016 at 5:06PM

Here's today's market update ...

Domino’s Pizza (NYSE: DPZ) just reported a 17 percent increase in quarterly revenues, thereby proving that most Americans really do love eating shitty pizza.

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Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS) has reported a 58 percent rise in quarterly profits due to a surge in trading revenue. Management also confirming that most folks have already forgotten about how it defrauded investors in 2008, so “everything’s chill now.”

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UnitedHealth Group (NYSE: UNH) announces a 23% increase in Q3 profits to almost $2 billion. The company has since raised its 2016 earnings forecast and has requested nobody get sick until after next quarter.

New Infrastructure Plan: Former U.S. Treasury Secretary Larry Summers is calling for a $2.5 trillion infrastructure investment program to help kickstart the U.S. economy. Donald Trump responded to Summers’ statement saying, “Sounds like socialism to me. And socialism will NOT make America great again. Also, there are Mexicans hiding under your bed with solar panels so make America great again because the rooster illusion is real. So let’s all grab some pussy and make America great again!”

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Apple (NASDAQ: AAPL) has announced that its giving up on making a car. Instead of following through with a fully electric autonomous vehicle, it’s going balls out with this …

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Management says it will be powered by the tears of all doubters and haters.

*Today’s piece is a parody piece, so don’t send me any stupid emails talking about how I need to “check my sources.”